We need to have a conversation and I feel like any normal married couple these days the best way to do this is over the internet for everyone we know to read. Also, this is really not a conversation but more like a declaration. I’m not sending out Christmas cards this year. To support my argument I would like to enter the following into evidence:
Exhibit A: Thanksgiving is Thursday and this is generally the day/weekend when in the past I have worked tirelessly (30 minutes before taking picture) to pick the outfits that fit(unlikely), don’t have stains (crusty dried gravy from lunch is ok) and somewhat match (plaid and polka dots welcome) for our lovely little darlings to wear so I can capture that perfect most angelic moment where they are all smiling and looking at each other with those Brady Bunch eyes. I’m done. They hate, I hate it, we all hate it. It’s affected my tryptophan hangover and no one wants to hear me screaming at the children.
Exhibit B: I think the money and time spent on worrying over Christmas cards could be better spent elsewhere- like a week at the beach. Which card to pick (is my neighbor or sister sending the same one? Minted? Hallmark? Tinyprints?)addressing Christmas cards (do we send one to the now ex- relative? what about the person who didn’t speak to me in line at Kroger last week that I’ve sent one to for 4 years?) It’s all too much and we need to stop the insanity.
Exhibit C: Haven’t we already posted the most wonderful and endearing pictures of our family all over Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc… EVERYDAY is a virtual Christmas card for many people I know on various social media. You and I both know that I am guilty of this from time to time (often daily)- I promise you here and now to limit these “my family is perfect” photos to a minimum of 1 x week and stick strictly to humorous and possibly inappropriate posts that will likely offend 50% of our friends/family.
Exhibit D: Addresses-people are too damn transient these days…or they are dead. I have a very old (10 years old atleast) address book. (A what?!!? – AN. ADDRESS. BOOK. It’s an often small bound book with alphabatized tabs where you WRITE with a writing utensil of your choice the home addresses of those you may want to one day send a LETTER, NOTE, INVITATION or CHRISTMAS CARD) Every year I sit down with my book and start addressing invitations (except for the last time I threatened not to do Christmas cards and you did them). It’s marked up by folks who have moved, divorced and died. It’s like a journal of our relationships with other people . Some of these people I am not even friends with on Facebook, so are we really even friends?? These are the things I question which is disturbing on many levels and as my husband you should be worried. If we are true friends (not social media friends)and you are reading this it is really your obligation as my friend to sit down and have a conversation with me about this and declare our true, undying, sans social media friendship. If you don’t I am cutting you out of my life forever! (Just kidding:)- I LOVE MY SOCIAL MEDIA FRIENDS!!! Exhibit D1: I just found a stack of 25 (stamped) cards from last year that had incomplete addresses (because the book wasn’t updated for reasons above) that NEVER GOT MAILED. They’ve now gone to the Christmas card heaven in the sky (local landfill). I’m not going to do the math, but I’m pretty sure those forgotten, incompletely addressed cards equal to a few glasses of my favorite pinot noir.
Exhibit E: What do most folks do with the Christmas cards they have received on Dec. 31st? Think very long and hard before you answer this question…
Frank, I hope you will understand and accept my argument and rule in my favor. If not, my address book is on my desk in the living room.
Your loving wife,
PS- (to those three people actually reading this) Look, I love- no, I ADORE getting Christmas cards so please don’t let this tiny Christmas revolution in my heart stop you (or others reading this) from sending. (Message me for my address.) They are truly one of the things I count on to make my Christmas merry and bright. I love seeing how little Johnny has grown and what your husband killed on his last hunting trip in Alabama, but I can’t reciprocate this year. Maybe it’s a phase I am in that will pass and I’ll be back on the CC band wagon again this time next year. Maybe I will send this and Hallmark will sue me for taking down the entire Christmas card industry and they’ll make a move about me starring Tina Fey. The possibilities are endless!
Because I am one to carry a little guilt around I am sharing a few of my favorite places to get Christmas cards (when I was into that kinda thing) and there are a few coupons- but act fast!
PSS – Last minute evidence was just brought forth! Frank pointed out the Easter decorations that were left out in the living room and the pilgrims that didn’t make it out of the cabinet this year. Just keeping it real.