Still dreaming…

“REM SLEEP: a state of sleep that recurs cyclically several times during a normal period of sleep and that is characterized especially by increased neuronal activity of the forebrain and midbrain, depressed muscle tone, dreaming, and rapid eye movements.”- Merriam –Webster Dictionary

I thought about her again this week, a lot- and the house.   Her name was Caroline.  I wasn’t sure at first, but it’s what kept coming back to me so that must be it right?  My Aunt Caroline and her husband originally owned the mountain house my grandparents had when I was younger.   Maybe that’s just what I want her name to be.  It’s amazing how you can go for such a long time without thinking about something that it becomes almost non-existent and then it comes at you out of no where.

I used to try to avoid having certain dreams.  You know, after you would watch a horror movie and you would be so terrified that you couldn’t sleep.  I would lie there thinking of all of the happy things I could with the hopes of avoiding a nightmare.  When I was younger, I longed to go back to the house and to visit Caroline in my dreams.

I found myself doing that again last night, but this time, I was trying to avoid going back to that house.   What if she had come back?  Maybe I am afraid she would be there and what she would tell me now?  I am older and know more than I did back then.   What guidance had she provided me before?  I want to remember but at the same time – I don’t.  What in my subconscious made me go back all those years ago?  How often was it?  I went back anyway, but only to the driveway.  I was on foot this time too.  It was worn now, and the pavement was cracked and protruded up as if the roots from the boxwood hedge were trying to escape.

They say that dreams only make up for a small window of time that you are actually asleep.  REM, or Rapid Eye Movement , takes up about 20-25% of the totally time an average adult sleeps- or on average 90-120 minutes.   I had fallen asleep around midnight.  I woke up from this dream at 2 am.   I woke up before I got to the house.

I’m dreaming of…..

Dream (As defined in the Merriam Webster Dictionary)-a series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep.

My husband always says no one wants to hear about your dreams.  Generally speaking that is- it has to be one of the most difficult things to describe to someone.  It’s not a movie or a book that you can recommend to someone that they can go see or pick up and read.  It’s describing your subconscious to another person, in theory giving them full access to your inner most thoughts.  Well, that is if they care to sit and analyze why you just had a dream about three squirrels sitting on a low brick wall giving you love advice.  Yes, I had that dream once in college.

I have very vivid and strange dreams.  Not all the time, but often enough that I am writing about it.  I was encouraged to do so after recently breaking one of the Hub’s cardinal rules of “not sharing your dreams”.

This particular dream was one of two re-occurring dreams I have had in my life.  It involves a house. As a child, I believed it to be in Highlands, NC where my grandparents used to have a house we would visit most Falls and Springs.  For the longest time, I thought this house was so real that I asked my grandmother about it.  It was a beautiful grey stucco house that even now I can see in my head, but really can’t put it into words.  The house was classical looking on the outside but the décor inside was a bit jumbled.  Have I lost you yet?

I would always approach the house in a car, but like I said, when I started having this dream I was a child so I wasn’t driving, but I don’t remember anyone else being in the car with me.  I was going to visit the lady that lived there.  I used to know her name, but I can’t remember it now.  She was very sophisticated, but not stuffy.  She seemed to like it when I came to see her.  She was a grandmotherly figure but not any of the grandmothers or great grandmother’s I had at the time.  Could she have been the perfect combination of all four of them? There was someone else there- a maid possibly?  Starting to wish it was a book I could go pick up to help me remember. I can’t remember how often I had this dream, but I do know it was not often as I got older.  I think it was college when (in my dream) I went back to visit her, but she wasn’t there anymore.  All of her things were there, but not her.  I don’t know if she died (in my dream of course) but she was no longer there and I remember feeling terribly sad about it.

I always entered the same way- through a door closer to the right end of the front of the house.  There was a pool towards the left in front of the house.  Wooded land surrounded it with a well -manicured drive with tall boxwood hedges on either side.  I generally would end up in a round room in the house that had a window going almost all the way around giving a panoramic view of the yard/woods.  Shortly afterwards, I would wake up.

Since I have been married with kids, I have had the dream one other time.  I think I was looking for her to help me work out a problem.  I went back, and not only was she not there, but I remember it felt like she’d been gone for a while.   No lights were on and I think sheets were covering most of the furniture.  There was a man there I think and he told me she wasn’t there anymore.

As I have read back over this, I can see the Hub’s point of view because this all sounds terribly bizarre.  However, subconsciously I’m hoping someone can tell me why I dreamed about this woman who’s name I can’t even remember, and why one day she was just gone?  Maybe if I keep writing about this I will remember…